Parenting Coordination: An In-Depth Guide for Divorced and Separated Parents
Parenting after a separation or divorce can be extremely challenging, especially when conflicts arise over custody arrangements or day-to-day decisions for the children. Frequent disputes and poor communication not only stress the parents, but can also take an emotional toll on the kids. This is where the parenting coordinator comes in. Parenting Coordination is a specialized service designed to help high-conflict co-parents manage disputes and keep the focus on their children’s well-being.
In this comprehensive guide, we’ll explain what parenting coordination is, what a parenting coordinator does, when you might need one, and how it can benefit your family. Our goal is to give you a clear understanding of parenting coordination – and to let you know that we offer professional parenting coordination services if you need assistance.
Illustration: Divorce and co-parenting conflicts can put children in the middle. Parenting coordination is a process that helps separated parents resolve disputes and implement their parenting plans without returning to court.
What Is Parenting Coordination?
Parenting Coordination is a dispute-resolution process designed to assist separated or divorced parents in managing and resolving ongoing disagreements related to co-parenting and child custody. It involves the appointment of a neutral third-party professional known as a Parenting Coordinator (PC). The parenting coordinator’s role is to facilitate communication, help manage conflicts, and ensure that the parents follow their parenting plan or court orders regarding the children. In simple terms, a parenting coordinator acts as an impartial referee for co-parents, keeping everyone focused on what’s best for the children.
A parenting coordinator is often an experienced mediator, mental health professional, or family law expert with specialized training in high-conflict family dynamics. (In fact, the role is sometimes filled by a family lawyer or a therapist who has additional training in mediation and arbitration.) The PC remains neutral – they are not either parent’s attorney or therapist, but rather a facilitator. Importantly, parenting coordinators do not replace the court or change major custody orders. They must work within the framework of the existing custody agreement or court order; their job is to help implement that agreement and resolve day-to-day parenting issues, not to modify which parent has primary custody or decision-making authority.
Terminology: Depending on your jurisdiction, parenting coordination may also be known by other names. Some jurisdictions or professionals refer to a similar role as a “co-parenting coordinator” or “parenting facilitator,” and the process may be called “parenting facilitation.” In general usage, terms like “parent coordinator,” “parenting plan coordinator,” or even “divorce coordinator” all refer to the same basic concept – a neutral expert who assists divorced/separated parents in working together for their children’s benefit. No matter the title, the goal is consistent: to reduce conflict and help co-parents move forward constructively.
What Does a Parenting Coordinator Do?
A parenting coordinator wears many hats, all geared toward helping parents cooperate in raising their children. Here are some of the key duties and functions of a parenting coordinator (PC):
Facilitating Communication: The PC acts as a go-between or coach to improve communication between the parents. They promote respectful, child-focused dialogue and ensure both parties have a chance to be heard. For parents who struggle to talk without arguing, having a coordinator guide the conversation can be invaluable.
Mediating and Managing Conflict: When disagreements arise – whether it’s about scheduling changes, schooling, discipline, extracurricular activities, or other parenting decisions – the coordinator helps the parents negotiate and find mutually acceptable solutions. Often this involves mediation techniques or problem-solving exercises. The PC helps identify the points of conflict and keeps discussions on track toward a resolution rather than escalating into fights.
Implementing the Parenting Plan: A major part of a PC’s job is ensuring that the existing parenting plan or custody agreement is carried out smoothly. They clarify any ambiguities in the plan and assist with day-to-day logistical issues. For example, if the plan says each parent gets two weeks of summer vacation but the parents can’t agree on which weeks, the PC will help settle the issue. The coordinator might set guidelines for exchanges, communication protocols, or other practical arrangements so that the parenting plan works in real life.
Monitoring and Accountability: A parenting coordinator often monitors compliance with the parenting plan or agreements. They check that both parents are following through on their commitments (for example, adhering to pick-up/drop-off times, or abiding by rules about communication or decision-sharing). If one parent isn’t complying, the PC will address it, either by facilitating a discussion about the problem or, if empowered to do so, making a recommendation to remedy the situation. This oversight helps hold parents accountable to their responsibilities, providing consistency and stability for the kids.
Education and Skills Building: Many parenting coordinators also provide coaching to improve the co-parenting relationship. They might teach parents better conflict management strategies, communication techniques (for example, how to keep emails business-like and focused on the child), and ways to emotionally disengage their inter-parental issues from their parenting duties. The coordinator’s aim is not just to put out fires, but to equip parents with tools to handle future disagreements more effectively on their own.
Protecting the Children’s Best Interests: Above all, the parenting coordinator keeps the children’s well-being as the top priority. They steer discussions away from personal grievances and toward what will benefit the kids. If a coordinator ever suspects abuse or serious safety issues, they are typically mandated to report it to the proper authorities – safety comes first. But in most cases, their role is to shield the children from conflict by helping the parents resolve issues more peacefully and privately.
By juggling these roles, a skilled parenting coordinator helps break the cycle of conflict that many divorced couples fall into. They create a more structured, calm environment for decision-making. Sessions with a PC can be held in person, by phone, or via videoconference, depending on what’s convenient and appropriate. Early on, the coordinator may meet the parents more frequently to sort out pressing issues, then move to an as-needed basis once things improve. Over time, the hope is that parents learn to cooperate better, requiring less intervention.
Example Issues Addressed: Parenting coordinators can help with a wide range of co-parenting disputes. For example, they might facilitate agreements on: holiday and vacation schedules, pick-up/drop-off logistics, discipline and bedtime routines, choice of school or daycare, extracurricular activities, healthcare decisions (non-emergency), or even things like introducing a new partner to the kids. Even on smaller day-to-day matters – say one parent is upset because the other always returns the kids with unwashed laundry – the PC can step in and mediate a solution. No issue is “too small” if it’s causing repeated conflict. By tackling these matters, the coordinator spares the family from going to court over and over for every disagreement.
Why (and When) Should You Consider a Parenting Coordinator?
Not every divorced couple needs a parenting coordinator. Many parents, even if it’s hard at first, eventually find a workable co-parenting rhythm on their own. However, parenting coordination is typically most helpful in high-conflict situations – those cases where parents have ongoing, frequent disputes or communication breakdowns that they just can’t resolve by themselves. Here are some common scenarios when you might consider using a parenting coordinator:
High-Conflict Co-Parents: If every conversation with your ex turns into a fight, or if minor issues constantly spiral into major battles, a parenting coordinator can provide the structure and neutrality needed to manage the conflict. The coordinator will step in as a neutral buffer to keep discussions productive.
Repeated Court Involvement: Are you finding yourselves back in court every few months because of violations of the parenting plan or new disputes? Going to court is time-consuming, stressful, and expensive. A parenting coordinator offers an alternative by handling many of these disputes privately. In fact, courts in some jurisdictions will recommend or appoint a parenting coordinator in high-conflict cases to reduce the burden on the court system and the family. Rather than dragging every disagreement in front of a judge, you agree to let the coordinator help you work it out. This can vastly minimize the need for costly litigation over routine parenting issues.
Communication Problems: Perhaps the issue isn’t open hostility, but poor communication – important messages getting lost, or a lack of trust that leads to constant misinterpretations. A parenting coordinator can set up clear communication guidelines (for example, limiting conversations to written platforms like email or a shared journal, if face-to-face talk leads to conflict) and ensure both parents stay informed about the kids. They can teach communication techniques so that interactions stay civil and focused on the children.
Concerns about Compliance: If one parent frequently deviates from the parenting schedule or isn’t adhering to parts of your agreement (for instance, not consulting the other parent on big decisions when they’re supposed to), a coordinator can help enforce the plan. They provide oversight and can address non-compliance quickly, rather than you having to file a motion for contempt in court. Knowing a neutral third party is watching can motivate both sides to stick to the rules. The coordinator can make adjustments or recommendations to fine-tune the parenting plan if something isn’t working well, with the children’s best interests in mind.
Protecting Children from Conflict: Perhaps you recognize that the conflict between you and your ex is affecting your children – they may be showing signs of stress, anxiety, or being caught in the middle. A parenting coordinator can act as a shield in these cases. By handling disagreements through the PC, parents can keep the kids out of it. The coordinator also keeps reminding both parents to center the conversation on the children’s needs, which helps refocus everyone on what truly matters (the children’s well-being, not “winning” an argument).
If you see yourself in one or more of the above situations, parenting coordination might be a beneficial route to try. Often, parenting coordination is used after other methods have failed – for example, you might have tried mediation during your divorce; perhaps you even have detailed court orders, yet the conflict persists. The parenting coordinator is a more intensive, ongoing support compared to mediation. Think of it as having a coach/referee on call for your co-parenting journey.
It’s worth noting that in order to start parenting coordination, generally both parents must agree to it (since it’s a voluntary process in many places). In some jurisdictions, a judge can order parents to work with a coordinator, but often the court will only do so if both parties consent or if the law specifically allows it. Either way, both parents need to commit to the process for it to be effective. If one parent refuses to cooperate at all, it can limit what the coordinator can accomplish. However, even a reluctant parent might come around when they see that using a PC could save time, money, and stress compared to constant court battles.
Benefits of Parenting Coordination for Families
Engaging a parenting coordinator can bring about numerous benefits for you, your co-parent, and most importantly, your children. Here are some of the key advantages:
Reduces Conflict and Stress: Parenting coordination helps defuse high-conflict situations and reduces the frequency and intensity of arguments between parents. By intervening in disputes early and providing neutral guidance, a PC prevents a lot of fights from escalating. Less parental conflict means a less stressful environment for everyone – and particularly a more stable, secure atmosphere for the children. When parents have a structured way to resolve disagreements, it creates a calmer day-to-day life for the kids, who no longer feel stuck in the middle of adult arguments.
Faster Dispute Resolution: Instead of waiting weeks or months for a court date, issues can often be resolved in a matter of days or even hours through the parenting coordinator. You can reach out to the PC as soon as a problem arises and get the ball rolling on a solution. This is especially helpful for urgent matters (e.g., a last-minute conflict about a holiday schedule). The structured process provided by parenting coordination leads to faster and more efficient resolutions, so resolutions are made while they still matter. Quick resolutions also help prevent small issues from snowballing into bigger ones.
Minimizes Legal Costs and Court Visits: Every time you go to court, it can rack up attorney’s fees and court costs – not to mention the time off work and emotional toll. By handling disputes out of court, a parenting coordinator can save both time and money. Hiring a PC is expensive, but often far more cost-effective than litigation. Two parents working with one coordinator for a few hours is usually much cheaper than each parent engaging lawyers and going before a judge. Avoiding repeated court battles also spares you and your children the anxiety and uncertainty of litigation.
Child-Focused Decisions: A parenting coordinator keeps the discussion child-centered. Their mandate is to ensure decisions are made with the children’s best interests in mind, not based on ego or point-scoring between parents. By constantly re-focusing parents on what the kids need, a PC helps you both become more aligned on doing what’s right for your children. This often leads to better outcomes for the kids – their needs (emotional, educational, medical, etc.) are prioritized, and they’re less exposed to adult conflict.
Improved Co-Parenting Communication: Over time, working with a parenting coordinator can actually improve the relationship between co-parents. With the PC’s coaching, parents learn healthier ways to communicate and problem-solve together. You may pick up conflict-resolution skills, learn to email or text in a more business-like and less inflammatory way, and build trust by consistently following the plan. Many parents find that after a period of coordination, they can handle some future issues on their own because they’ve learned from the process. In short, the PC process can be a training ground for better co-parenting.
Consistency and Compliance: A parenting coordinator provides accountability – knowing you’ll have to answer to the coordinator can motivate both parents to stick to the agreements (e.g., timetables, rules, etc.). For the children, this consistency is very important. It means fewer last-minute changes or canceled visits, and a more predictable routine. When issues do arise, the PC addresses them and makes adjustments so the parenting plan continues to serve the children’s needs. This helps avoid confusion or one parent unilaterally changing things. Everyone stays on the same page.
Overall, parenting coordination tends to lead to smoother co-parenting and reduced stress for the whole family. The process creates a buffer that shields children from conflict and helps parents collaborate in a more business-like, less emotionally charged manner. It’s an investment in a healthier post-divorce family dynamic – parents who can cooperate (or at least peacefully co-exist) and children who can thrive without being caught in constant discord.
How Much Does a Parenting Coordinator Cost?
One important practical consideration is the cost of parenting coordination. Hiring a parenting coordinator is an additional expense for divorced/separated parents, but it may well be worth it compared to the financial (and emotional) cost of unresolved conflicts or ongoing court battles. Here’s what to expect in terms of cost:
Hourly Rates: Most parenting coordinators charge an hourly rate for their services, similar to attorneys or therapists. Typical rates are around $300 to 600 per hour, depending on the professional’s qualifications and your geographic area.
Splitting the Fees: Usually, both parents are expected to split the cost of the parenting coordinator’s fees. A common arrangement is 50/50, since both benefit from the service. However, this can be adjusted if there’s a big income disparity between the parents or if one parent is clearly driving the need for the service more than the other. Occasionally, a court order or agreement might say one parent will pay a higher percentage (or even the full cost) if, for instance, that parent’s behavior is mostly what necessitated the PC or if one parent earns substantially more. This is case-specific, but equal sharing of the cost is the default starting point.
Retainers or Bundled Hours: Some parenting coordinators require an upfront retainer (similar to hiring a lawyer) – for example, you might each pay a few hundred dollars or more into a fund from which the PC bills their time. Others may bill you monthly for hours used. It’s good to clarify the billing practices at the outset. In some programs (like court-connected PC programs, if available), there might be a flat fee or sliding scale, but generally PCs are private professionals and set their own fee structure.
Is It Worth It? While paying, say, $400 an hour ($200/person) might sound steep, consider the alternative: one hour of a coordinator’s time could resolve an issue that might otherwise trigger a court motion costing thousands in legal fees for each parent. Many parents find that parenting coordination pays for itself by preventing expensive litigation. Moreover, the non-monetary savings – in stress, time, and the toll on your kids – are significant. It’s still an expense to budget for, but when used effectively, a parenting coordinator can actually minimize your overall divorce-related costs.
Who Pays for What: Typically, the coordinator’s time spent in joint sessions with both parents is split according to the agreed percentage (often 50/50). If you contact the coordinator individually (say, an email or call to update them or ask a question), those minutes might be billed to you alone. Many PCs bill in small increments (e.g. by the tenth of an hour) for quick phone calls or emails. All of this should be detailed in the agreement you sign when starting the process. Be sure to understand how additional activities are billed – for instance, if the PC needs to read a stack of emails or talk to the child’s therapist (with permission) as part of their work, those hours count too.
Discuss with your co-parent how to handle the payments, and treat it as an investment in smoother co-parenting. If cost is a concern, let the coordinator know – some will adjust the process (for example, longer but less frequent meetings, or focusing on the most critical issues) to make it more affordable. Also remember that even a few hours with a PC could solve issues that prevent many more hours of fighting or litigating.
Potential Drawbacks and Considerations
Parenting coordination is a highly useful service, but it’s not a magic wand. There are some potential drawbacks or limitations to be aware of, and it may not be the right fit for absolutely everyone. Here are a few considerations:
Requires Willing Participation: For parenting coordination to work, both parents need to engage in good faith. If one party simply refuses to cooperate, cancels meetings, or won’t adhere to any recommendations, the coordinator’s hands are somewhat tied. The PC can make suggestions and recommendations, but they lack the enforcement power of a judge. In extreme cases of non-compliance, you might still end up having to go to court. Thus, a baseline of commitment from both sides is necessary – otherwise time (and money) could be wasted. Fortunately, many high-conflict parents stick with the process at least initially, especially if a court has strongly urged or ordered it. But it’s something to consider if you think your ex might stonewall.
Added Expense: We discussed cost above as a consideration – while usually cheaper than litigation, parenting coordination is still an expense. Some families with very tight budgets might struggle to afford ongoing PC sessions, especially if the conflict persists for many months. That said, keep the long-term savings in mind – a coordinator can prevent many court appearances (and the associated fees). It’s also possible to use a PC in a limited or targeted way to control costs (for example, agreeing to consult the coordinator only on the most contentious issues).
The PC Is Not a Judge (Limited Authority): As noted, a parenting coordinator cannot override the court. If a parent truly believes a major change in custody or a relocation or something fundamental is needed, a PC can still mediate those issues, but not decide them. The coordinator is a facilitator, but not a replacement for the legal system on core rights. Understanding this limitation can prevent unrealistic expectations.
Possibility of Dependency: Some critics of parenting coordination point out that if the coordinator becomes a crutch, parents might not learn to resolve anything on their own. In a way, the PC’s presence could enable continued conflict because the parents know the coordinator can handle it. There’s also the cynical view that a PC has a financial incentive for the conflict to continue, since their job persists as long as the parents are at odds. However, a good coordinator will actually try to work themselves out of a job by teaching you skills to manage without them. The goal is not indefinite dependency – it’s to get you to a point where you either don’t need the PC as often or at all. Many arrangements have a built-in time limit, for example, appointing the PC for a period not exceeding 2 years.
Not Therapy (Emotional Issues Remain): Parenting coordination is not counseling or therapy for the parents or the child. The focus is on pragmatic conflict resolution and implementing a parenting plan. If the core issues driving the conflict are deep emotional wounds, mental health issues, or abuse, a PC alone may not be sufficient. Those situations might require therapy, counseling, or other interventions in addition to a PC. For instance, if one parent has an untreated substance abuse problem, a PC can’t fix that; if anything, the PC would likely recommend that the parent seek treatment or bring the issue to court if the child’s safety is at risk. Similarly, if one or both parents have extreme anger or communication issues, a parallel involvement of a therapist or anger management course could be beneficial. Recognize that the parenting coordinator is there to manage conflict and decisions regarding the children, not to fix the underlying relationship between the parents or individual psychological issues either may have.
In sum, parenting coordination works best for parents who genuinely want to reduce conflict and are open to guidance on how to do so. It provides a safer, more child-focused way to handle disputes, but it does require a bit of trust in the process and the professional. By being aware of the potential pitfalls (cost, perceived bias, etc.), you can take steps to address them – like choosing a well-recommended coordinator, setting clear ground rules, and maintaining accountability. Most families who use parenting coordination find the benefits far outweigh the downsides, but it’s wise to go in with your eyes open.
How to Get Started with a Parenting Coordinator
If you’ve decided that a parenting coordinator might help your situation, you may be wondering how to initiate the process. Here’s a step-by-step look at how to get started with parenting coordination and what to expect:
Ensure You Have a Parenting Plan or Order: Parenting coordination usually comes into play after you already have a basic custody agreement or parenting plan in place (whether from a court order or a separation agreement). The coordinator’s job is to help you implement and adhere to that plan– not to create one from scratch. If you’re still in the middle of a custody battle or you don’t have any agreed schedule yet, those big issues need to be settled (via mediation or court) before a coordinator steps in. Some divorce agreements explicitly include a clause that the parties will use a PC if there is a future disputes. Even if yours doesn’t, you and your co-parent can agree to start coordination at any time, but you’ll want at least a general framework of custody/visitation to work from.
Find a Qualified Parenting Coordinator: You can ask your family law attorney for recommendations, as they often know professionals who serve as PCs. Some courts maintain a list of approved parenting coordinators as well. You’ll want someone who is experienced (especially with high-conflict cases) and properly trained or certified. Often, the parents (or their lawyers) will interview a prospective coordinator briefly to ensure it’s a good fit. Both parents typically must agree on whom to hire as the PC. It’s important that each of you feels you can trust the person to be fair. If you cannot agree on a coordinator, and you’re already in court litigation, sometimes a judge will appoint one for you – but again, rules vary by jurisdiction. In many places, judges cannot force a particular PC on unwilling parents.
Sign an Agreement: Once you’ve selected a coordinator, there will be a formal agreement to sign. This Parenting Coordination Agreement will spell out the scope of the coordinator’s authority, the payment arrangement, confidentiality rules, etc. Read it carefully. Key points include: How long is the appointment (e.g., 6 months, a year)? What is the communication protocol (can you call them anytime, or only schedule sessions)? Is the process confidential (i.e., can the PC be called to testify in court or not)?
Initial Meetings and Assessment: The parenting coordinator will likely start by meeting each parent separately for background information, and then with both together. They will assess the family’s situation – understanding the history, the main conflict triggers, any special needs of the child, and so on. They might review your court orders or parenting plan, and any relevant documents (like previous parenting evaluations or notable communications). This intake phase helps the PC form a plan for working with you. Be honest and open in these meetings – remember, the PC isn’t there to judge you but to help the two of you function better.
Ongoing Coordination Sessions: After the initial assessment, you will engage in regular sessions or as-needed meetings. Some PCs set a fixed schedule (e.g., a one-hour session every month, plus additional as needed), while others are more flexible. During these sessions, you’ll bring up any disputes or concerns. The coordinator will facilitate a discussion and attempt to guide you to an agreement. If an agreement can’t be reached on an issue within the coordinator’s authority, they will make a recommendation as allowed. The tone of these meetings is generally business-like. The PC may assign “homework,” like asking parents to exchange calendars by a certain date, or to practice a new communication method. They will document any resolutions (often in writing to both parties after the session) so everyone is clear on what was agreed.
Follow-Up and Monitoring: The coordinator will follow up on previous issues to ensure compliance or to see if adjustments are needed. For example, if you agreed to a new pick-up routine, the PC might check in the next month to ask if it’s working smoothly. If problems persist, they’ll work through them again. This iterative process continues as long as the appointment lasts or until the parents (or court) decide the coordination is no longer needed.
Wrapping Up: In many cases, the parenting coordinator’s involvement can wind down once the high-conflict period passes. Perhaps after several months, the number of new issues drops and parents feel more confident handling things. At that point, you might mutually agree (and/or ask the court) to conclude the coordinator’s services. Some cases do extend for a year or more, especially if new issues keep arising (for instance, as children get older and circumstances change, new disputes might pop up that the PC helps with). Ultimately, the goal is to reach a point where you no longer need a referee – you can cooperate (or at least negotiate compromises) on your own. The PC might have a final meeting with you to summarize progress and perhaps set out some “ground rules” the parents should continue to follow.
Remember, parenting coordination is a collaborative process. The coordinator is there to guide and manage, but the parents are the ones who have to make the effort to follow the plan and treat each other civilly. It may be hard work, but the payoff is a more peaceful co-parenting arrangement and happier, more secure kids.
Our Parenting Coordination Services – How We Can Help
Parenting coordination has helped many families turn conflict into cooperation. If you are a divorced or separated parent struggling with ongoing disputes, we are here to assist you with professional parenting coordination services. Our team brings compassion, experience, and a child-centered approach to every case. As parenting coordinators, we work hard to remain neutral and fair, ensuring both parents’ voices are heard while always keeping the focus on what’s best for your children.
Why choose our services? We offer a structured yet flexible process tailored to your family’s needs. We can facilitate tough conversations, help you develop healthier communication patterns, and step in with decisive guidance when you reach an impasse. Our goal is not only to resolve the issues you’re facing now, but also to equip you with the tools to handle future disagreements more effectively. By reducing conflict and stress, we aim to create a more stable environment for your children – and peace of mind for you.
We understand that reaching out for this kind of help can be a big step. Our approach is professional, confidential, and supportive. Whether your issues are big or small, we treat them (and you) with the utmost respect and care.
If you think parenting coordination might be the solution for your family, we invite you to contact us for more information or to schedule a consultation. Our services are offered virtually. Let us help you navigate the rough patches of co-parenting and find a steadier path forward.
Contact us today to learn more about how our parenting coordination services can support you and your children. We’re here to answer your questions and assist you in any way we can. Taking this step could be the key to reducing conflict and building a healthier co-parenting partnership – which is a gift to your kids and to yourselves as parents.
By prioritizing cooperation and seeking help when needed, divorced and separated parents can successfully raise happy, well-adjusted children. Parenting coordination is a valuable resource to achieve that goal. Remember, you don’t have to go through it alone – support is available.